Some people in my real life read these, most don't know I even have an account here. That is the way I have made it, the way I love it. I like having only the most important people in my reality being able to read these. Then I love my community of dA people who are my friends. Even though I've never met some of you guys, you've had an impact on my life that you couldn't fathom, especially you Bill (generatinghype). This is my place, one of the few I have left in this world, to truly be myself and vent openly. This is where I have openly spilled my thoughts, my heart, and my secrets in plain English and in poetry. In saying that most know that I always have an answer or a thought about a situation. I always have a comeback or something to say. I am rarely ever left speechless.

My life has never been the easiest one, one that even though it has been hard, I've never wanted to change anything about it. I've learned a great deal though my past, my twisted distorted past. Things have happened to me that some can only imagine, that others can relate to. Most people wouldn't expect a girl of my circumstance, a girl of my naivety to have gone through any of what I have. I think that because of what I have gone through, I am the way I am.

I having lived for the past 17 years the way I have am able to fully understand that shift happens, shit happens. Having said that, I can fully attest that I understand what it's like for one thing to change the course of the future forever. One email can destroy a life forever; it can change 7 lives forever. I can fully attest to the truth of this. I'm the life it destroyed. One set of angry words can change things forever.

The email, that changed my life destroyed it as well. Somethings will never again be the same, this includes: my father's view of me; he and I's relationship; my sister and I's relationship; Paul, my best friend, and I's relationship; my heart; my life; how I love people; how I trust; my outlook on mankind; the fact I'm practically indefinitely grounded; and last but not least my mind. This is one of those defining moments in life, that I had no idea was coming.

What makes everything soo much worse is that I'm scared I just lost my best friend forever. He's the one person I always talked to, no matter how much of the world I shut out. I could always talk to him. He and I know everything about each other, he knows me better than I know myself. That's something rare, for someone to know either of us fully. Yet we do, we know everything. And I might have lost him. What makes it worse is I know he needs time to calm down and process everything and I'm trying to give him the time and space to do so. I'll be honest, it's hard. But I want this to be something that he does on his own time and own accord. This is hard, for the both of us. I'm letting him decide whether or not he wants to stick around through the drama.

This is his time to work through everything that has happened. This is his time to decide what he and I are. To decide if I'm worth his time, his friendship, his effort. What makes this hard for me, is the waiting. The tears I can't stop crying and the fact that for some reason in this world his sweatshirt smells like him. I've had it for a month and it smells like him again. Maybe that's because two nights ago he and I fell asleep side by side on our friends floor underneath the covers holding hands. Maybe that's why, or maybe God granted me a miracle. Either way it makes it worse.

I refuse to move anywhere, forwards or backwards until he talks to me. Until he figures out where he stands. I know where I stand right now, where I will stand depending on his decision. I'm just waiting for his until I reveal mine. This is his choice, not mine. The road isn't going to be easy, he has to decide if we're walking it together or not.

I've cried more today that I have in a very long time. What's the pathetic part is I've controlled my crying, and might I admit, I've cried a heck of a lot today. I'm scared, I'm scared that like always, I'm going to get left behind. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. For the first time in he and I's relationship, I can honestly say that I don't know. I don't know anything, where we stand, how we are, if we're ok, if we're going to make it and I don't know what he wants until he tells me. I'm not taking cryptic answers for this either, this is too big, too important. This is one straightforward literal answer that I'm demanding, one that I will get.

I'll make it through though, either way, I can make it. It'll be really hard if he decides not to stick around though, I'll be honest. But I think I can make it, I really do. If I can make it through tonight, I can survive tomorrow. After that, we'll go from there.

always,
Lauren